Are you reacting or leading? (Be honest)
You may have noticed that I ask every person I interview for their best advice for working parents—now it’s your turn! For an upcoming article, I’d love to hear your best wisdom on work, parenting, or the juggling act of working parenthood. Whether it’s a simple #momhack or a deeper philosophical insight, share your thoughts! Either reply directly to this email, or submit your thoughts anonymously here.
Let’s start with a pop quiz
Scenario 1: A colleague challenges your idea in a meeting. Do you…
Immediately feel defensive. You shut down their input, thinking, "They just don’t get it," and subtly dismiss their perspective. Later, you vent to another coworker about how difficult they are, reinforcing your belief that you’re right and they’re wrong.
Respond with curiosity, "That’s an interesting perspective—tell me more about your concerns." You listen actively, ask clarifying questions, and use their feedback to refine your idea, seeing the conversation as an opportunity for collaboration rather than a personal attack.
Scenario 2: Your child spills juice all over the kitchen floor right when you’re about to leave for work. Do you…
React with blame an impatience, snapping, "Seriously? I don’t have time for this! Why can’t you be more careful?"
Take a deep breath and respond with calm curiosity, "Oops, looks like we have a mess. Let’s clean it up together."
If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably had both responses. Some days, you show up as the patient, open-minded version of yourself—able to embrace feedback at work and handle chaos at home with grace. Other days, stress, exhaustion, or sheer overwhelm pull you down, leading to defensiveness, blame, or frustration.
I recently came across a simple yet powerful framework by The Conscious Leadership Group to help leaders assess and shift their mindset: the concept of "Above the Line" and "Below the Line" thinking.
This framework provides a moment-to-moment guide for leaders to evaluate whether they are operating from a place of openness, learning, and curiosity (above the line) or from a place of defensiveness, fear, and rigidity (below the line). By understanding this model and integrating it into daily leadership practice, individuals can create healthier, more resilient teams and organizations.
What does it mean to be above or below the line?
At any given moment, leaders are either “above the line” or “below the line.” The distinction is not about morality or competence but rather about mindset and approach.
Above the line: open, curious, and learning
When a leader is above the line, they are operating from a mindset of:
Openness: Willing to engage with new ideas, perspectives, and challenges without immediate judgment.
Curiosity: Seeking to understand rather than to prove a point.
Responsibility: Taking full accountability for their impact on others and the outcomes they create.
Creativity and collaboration: Seeing challenges as opportunities for growth and innovation rather than threats.
Presence: Staying engaged in the current moment rather than reacting from past experiences or future anxieties.
Leaders who are above the line foster a culture of trust, psychological safety, and adaptability. They encourage feedback, model emotional intelligence, and focus on long-term growth rather than short-term victories.
Below the line: defensive, reactive, and fear-Based
When a leader is below the line, they are operating from a mindset of:
Defensiveness: Protecting their ego and resisting challenges to their perspective.
Rigidity: Holding tightly to being right rather than seeking to understand others.
Blame and justification: Looking for external reasons why things go wrong instead of taking accountability.
Scarcity and competition: Viewing situations through a lens of threat, competition, and survival rather than abundance and possibility.
Emotional reactivity: Operating from unconscious habits and impulses rather than thoughtful awareness.
When leaders function below the line, organizations tend to experience high levels of stress, conflict, and disengagement. This mindset leads to short-term decision-making, reduced trust, and a culture where fear overrides innovation.
Recognizing when you’re below the line
One of the key principles of the Conscious Leadership framework is that being below the line is not inherently bad—it’s simply unproductive if left unaddressed. The real challenge is not avoiding being below the line (this would be impossible) but rather developing the awareness to recognize when you are there and the willingness to shift.
Signs that you might be operating below the line include:
Feeling defensive or dismissing others’ feedback.
Experiencing high levels of stress, frustration, or resentment.
Engaging in blame, justification, or avoidance behaviors.
Holding tightly to being right at the expense of collaboration.
Feeling emotionally reactive and driven by fear or anxiety.
When a leader notices these tendencies, the first step is to pause and acknowledge the state they are in. From there, they can consciously choose to shift their mindset.
How to shift from below the line to above the line
Shifting above the line starts with noticing. That’s the hard part, isn’t it? In the heat of the moment—when your idea is challenged in a meeting or when juice is dripping off the counter—it’s easy to justify your reaction. I don’t have time for this. They’re being impossible. This isn’t my fault. But if you can pause, even for a second, and ask yourself, Am I above or below the line right now?—that’s where the shift begins.
From there, curiosity cracks the door open. What if your colleague isn’t trying to undermine you but actually sees something you missed? What if your child is just being… a child? Instead of defending or blaming, you can take a breath, step back, and choose a different response. Not because you should but because it serves you better. Because it keeps you from carrying that tension through the rest of your day. Because—let’s be honest—it just feels better to operate from a place of openness than from frustration or righteousness.
It’s not about being perfect. You’ll still snap sometimes. You’ll still feel defensive. But the more often you catch yourself and shift, the more natural it becomes. And before you know it, that deep breath, that pause, that willingness to see things differently—it starts to feel like second nature.
To conclude…
The beauty of this practice isn’t in never slipping below the line—it’s in the ability to notice, recalibrate, and choose a different response. The more we cultivate this awareness, the more we create environments—at work and at home—where curiosity, connection, and collaboration thrive.
So the next time you catch yourself reacting defensively in a meeting or snapping at your kids in a moment of stress, don’t beat yourself up. Instead, take a breath, get curious, and see if you can shift. Leadership isn’t about perfection; it’s about presence. And the more we practice, the more we lead—not just in the office, but in every part of our lives.
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This is super helpful -- thank you, as always.