Nanny Guide: Part 1
or, a spoonful of sugar [thoughtful preparation] helps the medicine [successful nanny search] go down!
Back in 2015, I remember sitting at the kitchen table with my husband trying to brainstorm questions before interviewing nanny candidates shortly after our son was born. We generated a pretty standard list of practical questions about things like their experience and driving record, but what I really wanted to ask—with desperate urgency—was “Will you love my son? Will you understand how precious and special and pure he is? Will you know which cry means he’s hungry and which means he’s tired? Will you kiss the little triangle of freckles on his cheek before he falls asleep? Do you understand that, if you get this job, I am literally placing my whole heart in your hands?”
I didn’t ask these questions—because I didn’t want to seem totally unhinged. But needless to say, the relationship you have with your nanny is likely the most emotionally intimate relationship you’ll have with an employee.
I’ve received a couple of questions about navigating nanny relationships through my ask-me-anything column for paid subscribers, and I wanted to share and extend the conversation to all readers. This is the first in a two-part series about managing nanny/caregiver relationships. Today I’m discussing the hiring process and next week I’ll focus on establishing and maintaining a healthy relationship. (For the sake of ease and consistency, I’m going to use female pronouns when talking about a nanny, but I totally recognize and support that there are male and nonbinary nannies out there, too!)
What are you looking for?
If you know me, you know that I always recommend first starting with some introspection. I would encourage you and your partner (if you have one) to intentionally think through about you are looking for in a nanny relationship. To do this, I recommend you start by articulating your family’s core values. Consider: What are the principles you hold most dear? What are the priorities and standards that you most want to impart to your children?
Doing this will serve two purposes: (1) It will help you and your partner get clear on what really matters to you so that you prioritize what to hold firm on and what to let go of (knowing that some times you will have to let go of smaller, less important things, even if they are irritating to you); (2) It will help your nanny understand your top priorities, so that she is clear on your most important expectations.
Next, think through what kind of relationship you would like to have with this person. For instance:
How formal would you like the relationship to be?
What boundaries would you like to set?
How will you communicate that you appreciate this person?
How will you address conflict?
What systems will you put in place for regular, bidirectional feedback?
Then, formalize the scope of her job and draft a job description. Being clear in the job posting about your expectations will ensure you get the best candidates. For example:
Do you want her solely focused on care for the children, or would you also like her to do some light housekeeping (cleaning bottles, doing the baby’s laundry, cooking, etc.)?
Would you like her to mostly stay home with the child (if so, how can you help provide structure or introduce activity to their day so that she stays engaged?), or would you like her to take the child to out of the house to various activities (if so, who will be responsible for researching available activities and deciding which ones to do?)
Finally, once you’ve determined the job scope, do some benchmarking with other families in your area to ensure that you are paying a market wage. For example, the expectation of light housekeeping usually requires additional compensation. If you would like to her to take the child to activities, you should consider reimbursing for gas mileage.
The search
Once you have a clearer vision of your own priorities, you can begin the search process. The single most important thing to look for is goodness of fit. The relationship between the nanny and the parents is just as important as the relationship between the nanny and the child. Parents need to feel comfortable giving feedback and addressing uncomfortable situations—you need to feel confident that you can communicate effectively with this person.
In terms of possible questions. Here are some of my favorite:
What led you to a career in caregiving?
What gives you joy in your work?
What types of relationships do you maintain with former families?
I also encourage asking experiential questions. These types of questions allow you to assess the provider’s decision-making, reflectiveness, and candor:
What was your most difficult experience with a child, and how did you resolve it?
Tell me about a time you had a disagreement or communication break-down with a parent. How did you resolve it?
Tell me about a time you experienced burnout and how you overcame it. How do you stay motivated when things get hard?
What has frustrated you about other families that you’ve worked with?
Of course, don’t skip the practical questions. You’ll want to inquire about:
Previous experience with similar-aged children.
Other commitments—will they interfere with caregiving responsibilities?
Smoking, other drug use, driving record, vaccination status, etc.
If you’d like you would like your nanny to handle other household responsibilities (light housekeeping, cooking, laundry, etc.), confirm during the interview that she is comfortable with this arrangement.
Always do a reference check—and I recommend doing it by phone, not email (that way you can pay attention to the person’s tone!) I’ve been on both ends of reference calls and the top two questions I recommend asking are: “Can you describe this person’s communication style?” and “How does this person take feedback?” If you sense hesitation or ambivalence, probe deeper. If you have any reservations about the candidate, ask their reference for their frank opinion. I’ve found that most parents are more than willing to help newer parents with honest answers.
I’ll be back next week with part two, which will focus on setting expectations, maintaining a positive relationship, and navigating conflict.
In the meantime, I’d love to hear any advice you have for navigating the nanny search. Put your favorite interview questions or search tips in the comments!
A reader shared this gem with me: "One thing I would like to mention is that Mom groups in your local towns on Facebook are gold. You'll find that a lot of families post there when they have nannies that they are recommending."