Read-Connect-Reflect #17
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Read
The motherhood fallacy of self-sacrifice (Is My Kid the Asshole?)
I absolutely loved this article from Melinda Wenner Moyer about “the belief that a parenting choice that makes your own life easier is, by default, bad for your kids.” As Moyer writes:
I am calling it the motherhood fallacy of self-sacrifice — the pernicious but pervasive idea 1) that we are only good mothers if we are constantly focused on our kids, and 2) that the moment we prioritize ourselves, we are directly harming our children.
It’s a fallacy because this isn’t actually how it works. What’s good for us isn’t, by default, bad for our kids. It’s far more common for the opposite to be true: What’s best for us is often best for our kids. But we have come to believe this lie because our misogynistic culture tells us, over and over again and in so many ways, that motherhood is primarily defined by self-sacrifice.”
As moms, we tend to put so much pressure on ourselves, but the reality is that communal parenting has been the norm for most of human existence. By beginning to move away from the unrealistic and damaging expectation that, as mothers, we have to meet every need, we not only benefit ourselves, but also our kids and our larger community.
Your boss now has to accommodate pregnant workers, from morning sickness to abortion care (19th News)
This article presents one of the most thorough summaries of the new Pregnant Workers Fairness Act that I’ve read. If you are pregnant, planning to become pregnant, or supervise someone who is pregnant, I would strongly encourage you to read this article in its entirety. If you’re looking for a brief summary, check out the EEOC website.
Too many politicians don’t know what it’s like to be pregnant or miscarry (Motherly)
Despite the fact that 85% of American women are mothers by the time they are 45, only 7% of members in the US Congress are mothers of minor children. This discrepancy has real ramifications, as Vote Mama CEO Liuba Grechen Shirley argues in this powerful essay about her own experience with miscarriage. According to her:
“Our nation is forcing women to flee their states to receive abortions and forcing women who want to be pregnant to carry nonviable fetuses to term, because too many politicians do not know what it is like to be pregnant or to miscarry. Our nation is forcing women to go back to work days after childbirth while they are still swollen, in stitches, in agony, because too many politicians have never given birth.”
The solution? More women—and specifically, mothers—in elected office.
My disabled body prepared me for motherhood like nothing else could (Romper)
This is a beautiful essay written by a mother who is paralyzed. She writes about how these two identities—being a mother and being disabled—intertwine. I could have pulled out several passage (and I highly recommend reading the entire article), but this one, in particular, struck me:
How interesting to sit at the intersection between disability and parenting and feel the similarities wash over me again and again. Because not only are disability and parenting often imagined as two incompatible experiences, but parenthood is generally portrayed as a net gain and disability as an unequivocal loss. Even as both experiences are complicated and all-encompassing, isn’t it interesting to see them pulled apart and pushed into such opposing categories? Can you imagine if the overwhelming response to new parents was heartbreak, condolences and pity? Or if culturally we were able to recognize potential value in disability? Can you imagine if we responded to parenthood and disability with a resounding, “That could mean anything on earth to you! How do you feel today?” Can you imagine if disabled people were seen as viable, competent parents?
Women in tech industry disproportionately affected by Big Tech layoffs (Washington Examiner)
This was a disappointing read. Despite the fact that women make up 26% of Big Tech employees, they accounted for 45% of recent layoffs. What is driving this discrepancy? Probably multiple factors, but at least one reason is that non-tech jobs (like HR, recruiting, and marketing)—which women are more likely to hold—were disproportionately targeted in this recent round of job cuts.
BONUS: A camping trip with young kids, as imagined by me before having kids (McSweeney’s)
Whether you’re going camping—or taking any other type of family trip this summer—you’ll get a good laugh out of this one 😆
Connect
When we work on a team for a long time, we often assume that our teammates know our needs and preferences—and vice versa. But this isn’t always true. In fact, the best way to ensure that people understand us, is to explicitly state how we like to work.
As one reader told me:
“Our leadership team begins each year by sharing something about ourselves that will help others understand our style. My office assistant shared that she’s useless after 5pm but is ready to go at 7am. I let people know I cry easily. So if they see me upset, it isn’t something tragic, just how my emotions work.”
If you’re part of a long-standing team, think of ways to build in an opportunity—at a meeting or retreat, perhaps—for people to share something about how they work that will help others work better with them.
Reflect
In his book, The Dip: Little Book That Teaches You When to Quit (and When to Stick), Seth Godin introduces the concept of strategic quitting. He says:
“Strategic quitting is a conscious decision you make based on the choices available to you. If you realize you're at a dead end compared with what you could be investing in, quitting is not only a reasonable choice, it's a smart one.
Coping is what people do when they try to muddle through [...] The problem with coping is that it never leads to exceptional performance. All coping does is waste your time and misdirect your energy. If the best you can do is cope, you're better off quitting. Quitting is better than coping because quitting frees you up to excel at something else.”
With that in mind, I encourage you to reflect on the following:
In what areas of your life are you are just “muddling through”?
What is compelling you to cope/stick with it? What’s motivating you to quit/leave?
Can you commit to strategically quitting one thing that is no longer serving you?
The “Reflect” section this week hits really close. Thank you for your hard work!