Read-Connect-Reflect #31
Read
Working while parenting a teen: Not what I expected (HBR Women at Work podcast)
My oldest is 9.5, which means that we have entered the tween years. In the course of a single conversation, he goes from asking me to snuggle with him to telling me that I’m “suss”. We’re seeing big feelings as he tries on different identities, navigates tricky friendships, and does the hard—and sometimes painful—work of growing up.
So much of the working motherhood narrative focuses on parenting young children, but we all know that the impact of having kids while working doesn’t end when they leave daycare. Certainly the physical demands of parenthood have lessened—I’m no longer waking up in the middle night or dealing with constant viruses—but the emotional labor has increased. I *so* appreciated this podcast on this very topic. IF you’re parenting an older kid, I highly recommend a listen!
Two brutally honest takes on what happens when motherhood affects friendship (The Guardian)
This is a beautiful and genuine story of a friendship told by two women—one, a mother of two, and the other, childless after several failed fertility treatments. They talk about their shared joys and deep hurts, as they describe the ebb and flow of their relationship over the years. I thought this quote was particularly poignant:
however much we loved each other, there were times when we just were not the right person to be holding the other’s hand. And that there is happiness and joy on both sides of the parenting divide – as well as occasional regret about the path not taken.
To become a better presenter, look inward (Harvard Business Review)
I really appreciated the suggestions in this thoughtful article about how to give better presentations (spoiler alert: it’s not the standard “make eye contact with your audience” advice that you’ve heard before). One of the author’s ideas that I found particularly compelling is to get in touch with your “portfolio of selves”:
“For each person we engage with — a colleague, a boss, a client — we have a different ‘self’ who shows up. This ‘portfolio of selves’ allows us to be the person we need to be in a particular moment — to rise to meet a challenge, to navigate a tricky situation, or to simply build connection. When it comes to public speaking, you probably want the most confident version of yourself to show up. But many of us retreat into what I call our ‘timid selves,’ especially if we’re new to presenting or in a high-stakes situation [. . .] Once you recognize this, you can proactively make a change.”
Why I send my kids on ‘sibling dates’ (Self)
I absolutely love this idea, and am kicking myself for not thinking of it before—especially since we make sure to have “dates” (special one-on-one activities) with each parent-kiddo dyad. The author’s kids are older, so she can send them to Starbuck unsupervised for coffee, but she suggests having younger kids walk the dog together. This is totally doable in my neighborhood—plus it takes a chore off my list. A win for all!
Why female entrepreneurs are key to getting more women to work (BBC)
My primary focus in this newsletter is working motherhood in the US and other Westernized countries, but I wanted to zoom out a little bit. A new study emphasizes the potential of promoting female entrepreneurship to significantly enhance women’s workforce participation and economic empowerment, particularly in India. Female-led businesses employ a higher proportion of women compared to male-led firms and could drive economic growth by increasing opportunities for women. However, Indian women face substantial barriers, including limited access to childcare, safe transportation, and societal norms that restrict their ability to work or expand businesses. Women’s entrepreneurship in India is largely concentrated in smaller, informal sector enterprises, contributing just 17% to GDP. Policies fostering female entrepreneurship and addressing these barriers could accelerate economic gains by enabling women to participate more fully in the labor market, with the potential to significantly boost GDP growth.
Connect
I was watching a rerun of MasterChef Jr. with my son earlier this week, and the kids had to compete in a team challenge. The judges chose one kid from each team to be the captain. One captain was clearly very stressed out, yelling at her teammates and engaging in micromanaging behaviors. The other took a more hands-off approach to task-management, but provided teammates with a lot of encouragement. It was a perfect opportunity to talk about leadership!
I started by asking my son what he noticed about how the two kids were leading their teams. His first response was that the first one was “really mean”. I asked him to explain that further, which led to an extended conversation about communication, and particularly communicating under pressure. Now, he still went and snapped at his sister later that day when she annoyed him, but I like to think that our discussion lives somewhere in his brain for future use. 🙃
I’d encourage you to take advantage of natural opportunities (watching team game shows is a great example) to talk to your kids about leadership in a low-stakes and engaging way.
Reflect
A client said something profound during a coaching session and, with her permission, I’m sharing it with you. Between a high-stress job and parenting three young kids, she rarely has time to herself. The time she does have often isn’t as restorative as she would like it to be. She told me: “I want rest to feel more restful”.
She then went on to describe how she feels so depleted at the end of each day, that by the time she puts her kids to bed, she usually spends the next few hours mindlessly watching Netflix or scrolling social media and news on her phone. Although these activities allow her to “zone out”, she rarely feels rejuvenated by them.
Think back to a time that you felt truly rested. How were you feeling? Where were you? Who were you with? What were you doing? What were you not doing?
Consider the activities that you engage in to relax or rest. Which activities restore you? Do any deplete you?
Can you commit to engaging in one activity this next week that is likely to generate an authentic feeling of restfulness? If so, notice the impact this has on the rest of your week.
Parenting teens reshapes you—it's exhausting, humbling, and beautifully complex!
I read all of your work, but this one in particular resonated with me. Given that my kids are in their late 20s and early 30s and two of the four have become parents, I'm truly surprised that we survived it all.
A few things to share from someone who made it to the other side:
• Moving from the "lift, tuck, separate, survive" phase to the "all you can eat activity buffet" phase is a huge challenge for all involved. It is especially important for couples during this period to take some "we" time together, because it is super easy to become consumed with getting everyone from point A to point B and point C.
• A psychiatrist who worked with our oldest daughter once said, "When they become teenagers, subtract 10 in terms of emotional IQ. Once they hit 20, add the 10 back in." It was helpful then as we dealt with teens, and his wise words have been affirmed many times over.
• I loved the Self piece and the emphasis it placed on the nurturing of siblings relationships. The smartest thing I ever did with my children was, at the start of their senior year, sit them down individually for the "talk." (Obviously, not that talk).
The basics: As parents, we pledged to raise them until they graduated from high school and provide them with what they needed (food, shelter, education, enrichment when possible, basic how to be a human stuff) to be prepared to be decent adults. Once they graduate, however, everything we do becomes a choice. We are "required" to do nothing. They are responsible for nurturing relationships with us and with their siblings and not leaving the burden to Jill and me. They are responsible for reaching out to us when they truly need (not necessarily want) something. Fortunately, I'm happy to report they have all stepped up.