Sorry, not sorry

or, how to navigate the murky landscape of workplace apologies as a woman

“Say you’re sorry”—words that, I’m sure, every parent has uttered at some point. We all know that apologies are crucial for mending relationships, resolving conflicts, and demonstrating humility and accountability. But for professional women, the act of apologizing is fraught with additional complexities and nuances.

If we apologize too much, we’re seen as “weak” and lacking in executive presence. If we don’t apologize enough, we’re “bitchy”, “cold”, or “arrogant”. While it is essential to acknowledge and rectify mistakes, it is equally important to avoid undermining one's authority and confidence through excessive apologies. This week I wanted to take a deeper dive into walking the fine line between being perceived as overly apologetic and showing appropriate accountability.

The gendered landscape of apologies

Studies have shown that women tend to apologize more frequently than men. This difference is often attributed to socialization—in our society, women are encouraged to be more empathetic, nurturing, and relationship-oriented. While these traits can be beneficial in fostering positive work environments, excessive apologizing can undermine a woman's authority and confidence.

Over-apologizing and perception of competence

Women often apologize for minor inconveniences or situations beyond their control. Phrases like "I'm sorry for bothering you" or "I'm sorry, but can I ask a question?" are common (I’ve certainly said them, myself). While intended to be polite, these apologies can inadvertently signal insecurity or lack of confidence. Over-apologizing can make colleagues perceive women as less competent or assertive, which can impact career advancement.

Try this instead: Practice replacing unnecessary apologies with expressions of gratitude or direct statements. For example, instead of saying, "I'm sorry for the confusion,"try, "Thank you for your patience while we clarify this."

The impact of apologies on authority

In leadership positions, frequent apologies can erode a woman's perceived authority. Leaders are expected to be decisive and confident, and constant apologizing can undermine these qualities. It's crucial for women in leadership to strike a balance between showing empathy and maintaining their authority.

Try this instead: Reserve apologies for situations where there is a clear error or when someone's feelings have been hurt. In other cases, consider using phrases that acknowledge the situation without diminishing authority, such as "I appreciate your feedback on this matter."

Apologies in conflict resolution

Apologies are an essential component of conflict resolution, but the way they are delivered matters. A genuine apology can defuse tension and pave the way for constructive dialogue. However, if an apology is perceived as insincere or overly submissive, it can exacerbate the conflict.

Try this instead: When apologizing in conflict situations, be specific about what you are apologizing for, express genuine remorse, and outline steps to prevent the issue from recurring. This approach demonstrates accountability and a commitment to improvement.

Assertive communication

Assertive communication involves expressing your thoughts and needs clearly and respectfully. This approach helps in setting boundaries and asserting your position without coming across as aggressive.

Try this instead: Instead of apologizing for needing more time on a project, assertively explain the situation and propose a new deadline: "Given the scope of the project, I will need an additional two days to ensure quality results."

The power of effective apologies

While over-apologizing can be detrimental, well-placed and sincere apologies have the power to enhance relationships and demonstrate strong emotional intelligence. Here are some tips for making effective apologies:

• Be specific and sincere: We’ve all been the recipient of a vague or insincere apology that did more harm than good. When apologizing, be specific about what you are apologizing for and why it was wrong. This shows that you understand the impact of your actions and are genuinely remorseful.

  Example: "I'm sorry for missing the deadline on the project. I understand that this caused delays for the entire team."

• Take responsibility: Avoid deflecting blame or making excuses. Taking full responsibility for your actions demonstrates integrity and accountability.

  Example: "I take full responsibility for the error in the report. I will review my process to ensure this doesn't happen again."

• Offer a Solution: An apology coupled with a solution shows proactive problem-solving and a commitment to making things right. This can help rebuild trust and demonstrate your reliability.

  Example: "I'm sorry for the oversight in the presentation. I will update the slides immediately and send out the revised version."

• Follow through: Ensure that your actions match your words. If you promise to correct a mistake or take preventive measures, follow through on those commitments. This consistency builds credibility and trust.

  Example: If you apologized for missing a meeting, make a concerted effort to be punctual in the future and inform relevant parties of any potential delays ahead of time.

Overcoming the apology habit

For many women, the habit of over-apologizing is deeply ingrained. Breaking this habit requires conscious effort and self-awareness. Here are some steps to help overcome excessive apologizing:

• Self-reflection: Reflect on situations where you tend to apologize unnecessarily. Understanding the triggers can help you prepare and develop alternative responses. Keep a journal to track instances of over-apologizing and identify patterns. This awareness is the first step toward change.

• Practice assertiveness: Practice assertive communication in low-stakes situations to build confidence. Role-playing with a friend, coach, or mentor can also be helpful. Replace apologies with assertive statements. For example, instead of saying, "I'm sorry for interrupting," say, "I have a suggestion."

• Seek feedback: Ask for feedback from trusted colleagues or mentors on your communication style. They can provide valuable insights and help you adjust your approach. Request specific feedback on how you handle apologies and assertiveness. Use their insights to make gradual improvements.

Reflection questions

I’ll end by inviting you to reflect on the following questions:

• In what situations do you find yourself apologizing the most? Are these apologies necessary or could they be replaced with assertive statements?

• How do you perceive the balance between being empathetic and maintaining authority in your professional interactions? How could you adjust this balance if needed?

• What steps can you take to ensure your apologies are sincere and effective, without compromising your confidence or authority?

• How might replacing unnecessary apologies with expressions of gratitude or direct statements change the way you are perceived at work?

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