Spill the Tea #12
Q: For the 10 years I've worked at my current place of employment, I have also been a mother, and I've also traveled fairly regularly. It's always in-state and never requires a plane, and I am usually only gone overnight, though once or twice a year, I'll be gone for two days. Recently we hired a new CEO, and for various reasons, this means my travel is going to increase a lot. He and I have discussed, in a very basic way, how grueling this is going to be for both of us, and he specifically said he doesn't want the travel to cause undue stress in my life. But here I am, already feeling undue stress. I am wondering what advice you have about managing increased work travel -- from both the work side (maybe this is a boundaries thing, and I need to be clear right from the beginning about what I am willing to do and what I am not) and the home side. I'd love to hear from other mothers who travel for work about what they do to prepare and support their kids, before their trips, while they are away, and even after they come home. Any advice, tips, or strategies are welcome, because I am legit panicking.
A: It’s always stressful when a new boss comes in and changes long-established job expectations. You seem resigned to the fact that this is how it will be, and I’m wondering if it’s worth pushing back and negotiating. The fact is, if you’re already feeling unduly burdened, this isn’t going to be a sustainable role for you. You’ve been there a long time, and if they don’t want to lose you, there will need to be some compromise around this issue.
Before you jump into a negotiation, think long and hard about what it is you want. I’m getting a strong sense that it’s “less travel”, but it could also be increased compensation or a reduced workweek to compensate for the additional travel. Also consider, if your first choice is not feasible right now, what’s your back-up “ask” (it might be that you agree to this intense travel schedule for 6 or 12 months, but then pull back at that point).
Next you need to consider what it is that your boss wants. Why is he asking you to travel more? Are sales down? Are you receiving requests for more face time from customers? Is there a merger/acquisition that needs to be actively managed? By interrogating the core issue, you’re trying to get at the underlying interest. My guess is that increased travel is one way to achieve that interest, but it’s likely not the only one. You could consider opening the conversations with questions like, “I know you’re balancing a lot of competing interests here. Can you describe them to me so I have a better idea of what they are?” or “I want to be sure I have a clear picture about the pressures you’re facing. Can we talk about that?” Once you get to the core issue, you can start thinking through creative solutions.
Though I would argue that this negotiation is absolutely necessary if you want to stay there long-term, I also hear that you need some solutions to manage this increased travel right now. While there are, of course, no- and low-costs way to stay connected with your kiddos when you’re gone (leaving little notes before you leave, sending postcards, etc.), the reality is that most women I know who travel a lot spend money on outsourcing household responsibilities—hiring extra childcare, paying for house cleaners, buying meal kits, etc.—to lighten their load. You could also set very firm boundaries around your travel; for example, “I must be home by 3pm on Fridays”, or “I can’t leave until 9am on Mondays”. Of course, this may be easier said than done if you’re at the mercy of airline schedules. I’m very interested in hearing from other readers about solutions you’ve implemented in your own life. Please add your experiences in the comments!
Q: I recently left a toxic job, and learned that a somewhat distant contact applied for my old position. She reached out to me, asking about my experience at the company and I’m conflicted about whether I should reply. On the one hand, I don’t want to trash talk or burn any bridges. On the other, I don’t want her (or anyone) to suffer the same misery I did. What do you think I should do?