Tackling negative thinking: Part 2
or, strategies to "untwist" your thinking
Last week I wrote about identifying common cognitive distortions, or the unhelpful thinking patterns that we all sometimes fall into. When we are cognizant of our thinking errors we can begin to correct them. This is important because (according to cognitive behavioral therapists), ultimately, our thoughts control our mood. So this week we’re going to discuss some concrete strategies for “untwisting” your thinking. These are grounded in a cognitive-behavioral oriented approach, and I would direct you to David Burns’ classic book The Feeling Good Handbook, if you would like to do a deeper dive on this topic.
One more note, though these strategies were created for use with adults, most of them can easily be introduced to kids. I frequently use these cognitive reframes with my perfectionist kiddo. Let’s hear it for transferrable skills! 👏
Strategies to challenge your thinking
Identify the distortion
Often, the first step in changing your thinking is recognizing it’s problematic in the first place. When reading though the cognitive distortions we discussed last week, I would encourage you to honestly reflect on which thinking traps you tend to most commonly fall into. This allows you to proactively watch out for times that you start to engage in these distortions.
Examine the evidence
Once you’ve been able to identify which distortion is behind your negative thinking, you can begin to evaluate it. When you examine the evidence, you begin to assess how true your thought is.
For example, let’s say you became flustered during a work presentation and you think to yourself, “I’m a terrible public speaker”. You would first identify this as labeling and then ask yourself, “What evidence is there that this is true? What evidence is there that this is untrue?” You will almost certainly come up with evidence on both sides—leading you to create a more balanced thought. For example, “I am often nervous when I have to speak publicly, but I know that a lot of advanced preparation helps me perform my best”.
The double-standard method
When you start to become self-critical, this strategy asks you to step back and ask yourself, “What would I say to a close friend who was in a similar situation?” Taking the example above, if your best work friend stumbled during a work presentation, you almost certainly would not tell her how terrible she is at public speaking! When I work with parents, it’s often powerful to ask them, “What would you tell to your child if he was in this situation one day?”, or “Would you want your child to put this much pressure on herself when she’s a working mom?”
Questions like this are powerful because they point out the intense double standard we often hold ourselves to. We don’t expect perfection out of those we love. Why shouldn’t we extend the same grace to ourselves?
The experimental technique
This strategy asks you to conduct a series of “experiments” to test whether your negative thought is really true. This is a good one to use with kids. Let’s say your kid is struggling with reading and says something like, “This is too hard. I’m dumb and I can’t do this”. Instead of rushing to assure them that’s not the case, ask them if they’d be willing to test out some experiments. Then, help them break down the task into smaller component parts. For example, “Ok, can you start by telling me what letter this is?”, then “Yes, and what sound does that letter make?” Continue and as you go point out, “It doesn't seem like this is too hard for you”, “That’s not an answer a dumb person would give”. Your goal is to gently point out that their statement isn’t consistent with the evidence.
Thinking in shades of grey
This strategy is helpful in combatting polarized thinking and boils down to reminding yourself that things usually fall somewhere between 0 and 100 percent instead of insisting that they are all “this” or “that”. For example, if you find yourself saying, “this is all my fault”, begin to challenge your thought. Yes, you may have some responsibility for the event, but it’s unlikely that 100% of the error falls on you. What’s a more balanced way of assessing accountability?
The survey method
When you have a negative thought, ask yourself “Would other people agree this thought is valid?” Again, building on the example above, ask yourself “Would others agree that I bear full blame for this event?” (This is another good one to use with kids).
Define terms
This can be helpful in combatting labeling. The other day, I was speaking with a client who said “I’m such a disaster”. Yes, this is a little bit of a throwaway phrase, but I also saw it as an important opportunity. I asked, “What does ‘being a disaster’ mean to you?” We then went on to explore the ways that she compares herself to others and all of the assumptions (and cognitive distortions) wrapped up in how she conceptualizes this comparison. By defining what that term meant to her, we were able to get beyond the superficial label the the real issue underneath—her feelings of inferiority.
The semantic model
This technique will help you battle all of those “shoulds” by substituting less emotionally charged language in its place. For example, instead of telling yourself , “I shouldn't get so nervous before my performance review”, tell yourself, “it would be preferable if I wasn’t so nervous before my performance review”. Or, instead of “I should really enjoy the toddler phase more”, reframe it as, “it would be nice if I enjoyed the toddler phase”.
As Burns points out, the origins of the word “should” come from the Anglo-Saxon word “sceolde” which means to scold. Neutralizing the language we use can help minimize the shame we feel.
Re-attribution
When you find yourself engaging in personalizing (i.e., blaming yourself or your own “badness” for a problem), ask yourself, “What other factors may have contributed to this issue?” The goal is not to deny your own accountability, but rather to more clearly assess all of the factors that contributed to the current reality. This helps to minimize self-blame and rumination, while also providing you with a more accurate assessment of the situation.
Cost-benefit analysis
Not quite a pro/con list, a CBT-based cost-benefit analysis invites you to ask, “How does this thought serve me? How does it hurt me?” Some negative thoughts may have a secondary gain. For example, some people find that it’s motivating to tell themselves, “I always have to be the best”. At the same time, they struggle with crippling doubt and fear of failure. By acknowledging the ways this thought it both motivating and self-defeating, you can then weigh out whether it’s worth perpetuating.
Parting thought
What I like most about these strategies is how versatile they are. They were initially presented as techniques that therapists could use with their clients to help them overcome their negative thought patterns, but we can use them on ourselves, with our kids, and with mentees. It may be the case that you’re already using some of these strategies without even realizing it. If not, I would encourage you to try them out—and let me know how it goes!
