The glamorous hellscape of toxic perfectionism

or, how to avoid turning achievement into agony

I’m looking to write a future article about cultural differences in working motherhood. If you are an American moms raising kids abroad, please respond to this email if you’d be willing to have a 30-45 minute interview with me. Thanks!

As high-achieving, professional, working moms, the drive to excel often defines our daily life. We navigate the demanding landscapes of career and motherhood, striving to meet high standards in both arenas. However, this relentless pursuit of excellence can sometimes morph into toxic perfectionism—a mindset that is rigid in holding ourselves or others to unrealistically high standards. It can lead to burnout, strained relationships, and disappointment when goals aren't met.

I was discussing this with a friend of a friend, who I recently met at a party. When she learned I was an executive coach, she wanted to talk in earnest. She told me that, despite being an incredibly high-performing executive at a start-up with three great kids, she’s deeply unhappy. While describing her dissatisfaction, she jokingly said “welcome to the glamorous hellscape of my life”. What she meant was that though her Instagram-perfect life may appear desirable, it is actually a deeply painful and unsustainable way of living.

Understanding and addressing internalized perfectionism is crucial, especially given the unique challenges women face (thanks, unrealistic societal expectations!) This week I want to explore the insidious nature of internalized perfectionism for working moms and offer thoughtful solutions to find a more balanced version of success.

The unique burden on mothers

Women, particularly mothers, often face an intricate web of societal expectations. There is an unspoken demand to excel professionally while also (often) being the primary caregiver, managing household responsibilities, and maintaining personal relationships. These societal pressures contribute significantly to internalized perfectionism in several ways:

• Cultural conditioning: From a young age, we are often conditioned to be nurturers, caretakers, and people-pleasers. This cultural conditioning can make it difficult for us to prioritize our needs and set boundaries, leading to a constant struggle to meet others' expectations.

• Motherhood myths: The ideal of the "perfect mother" perpetuates unrealistic standards. In our age of intensive parenting and pervasive social media, mothers are expected to be always available, endlessly patient, and supremely competent. This myth fuels internalized perfectionism, making it hard for mothers to accept anything less than perfection.

• Workplace dynamics: In professional settings, women often feel the need to prove their worth continually. The pressure to continually move up the ladder and challenge gender biases can exacerbate perfectionistic tendencies.

The consequences of internalized perfectionism

Here’s what’s tricky about perfectionism—it works. Until it doesn’t. If you’re like many of the clients I work with, I would imagine that you take pride in the fact that your drive for excellence is what’s gotten you this far, and that stepping away from perfectionism feels like embracing mediocrity. This is a false dichotomy.

Maybe you’re shaking your head, thinking, “No, Jessica, you’ve got this one wrong”. Maybe you can give me several reasons why your perfectionism is manageable, helpful to you, or “not that bad” compared to someone else you know. Maybe that’s true, but I want you to ask yourself if you’re noticing any of the following in your life:

• Mental and physical health concerns: Chronic stress from striving for perfection can lead to burnout, anxiety, depression, and various physical health issues, such as headaches, insomnia, and gastrointestinal problems.

• Impaired relationships: Perfectionism can create barriers in relationships. The need to control and the fear of vulnerability can distance you from your partner, children, colleagues, and friends, leading to feelings of isolation and loneliness.

• Stifled creativity and productivity: The fear of making mistakes can paralyze you, leading to procrastination and reduced productivity. Creativity often suffers when the focus is solely on achieving flawless outcomes.

• Fragile self-esteem: Perfectionism ties self-worth to achievements. When the impossibly high standards are not met, it leads to a constant feeling of inadequacy and low self-esteem.

Finding a balanced version of success

Addressing internalized notions of perfectionism involves a combination of self-awareness, practical strategies, and support. Here are strategies to help you find a more balanced version of success:

Cultivate Self-Awareness

The first step is to recognize when perfectionism is at play. Notice the self-critical thoughts and the unrealistic standards you set for yourself. Check out this article I wrote last year for more strategies on combatting these kinds of unhelpful thoughts.

Embrace Imperfection

OK, I know this one is easier said than done, but I want to take you on a thought-exercise for a minute.

When you hold yourself to outrageous standards for success, what are you modeling for your children? Do you want them to hold themselves to the same standards that you hold yourself to? Is there a more nuanced or adaptive form of excellence that you’d prefer they embrace? How will they learn this new way if they don’t see it?

Meaningful change happens when it’s congruent with our core values. Consider how modulating your definition of excellence helps you feel more aligned with your values. What would it mean to shift your perspective on mistakes? Most parents encourage their kids to view “failures” as opportunities to grow. Are you embracing this perspective in your own life?

Seek support

Changing lifelong patterns is hard. Therapy (like CBT), which can help you reframe negative thought patterns and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Similarly, a skilled executive coach can provide guidance, accountability, and support in navigating both professional and personal challenges.

If you’re looking for a less formal route, gather a support group of like-minded professional moms. Sharing your struggles can provide new perspectives and solutions.

Redefine success

I’ve shared this quote from Dr. Russ Harris before, but it’s my absolute favorite and bears repeating:

“‘Successful people’ are typically defined in terms of the goals they've achieved. But if we buy into this woefully limited definition, then we condemn ourselves to the goal-focused life: long stretches of frustration punctuated by fleeting moments of gratification if and when we do achieve our goals.

So I invite you now to consider a new definition: Success in life means living by your values. Adopting this definition means you can be successful right now, whether or not you've acheived your major goals. Fulfillment is here, in this moment--any time you act in line with your values. And you are free from the need for other people's approval. You don't need someone to tell you that you've made it. You don't need someone to confirm that you're doing the right thing. You know you're acting on your values, and that's enough."

It is truly life-changing when you redefine success as living according to one's values. This approach allows for immediate fulfillment, regardless of goal achievement, and eliminates the need for external validation. Acting in alignment with personal values is a more sustainable and gratifying way to experience success.

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