Unlearning the hustle
or, how to stop outsourcing your self-worth to productivity
Not long ago, a client of mine—let’s call her Maya—shared something that really struck a chord.
“I had a rare Sunday with nothing urgent on my plate. My kids were with their grandparents. My inbox was quiet. I could have done anything. And instead of feeling relaxed, I panicked. I literally didn’t know what to do with myself.”
She laughed a little, but there were tears in her eyes. “I realized…I don’t know how to exist without a task list. If I’m not accomplishing something, I feel like I don’t matter.”
Maya isn’t alone. In my coaching work, I’ve heard versions of this story hundreds of times. Women who’ve built impressive, full, meaningful lives—and still feel like they’re only as good as what they checked off today.
In a culture that rewards output and calls busyness a badge of honor, it’s easy to confuse being productive with being worthy. But what happens when you slow down—or are forced to? Who are you without the to-do list, the perfect calendar, the high performance?
This article offers a chance to pause and take an honest look at where your sense of worth may be entangled with how much you get done. It’s about recognizing the patterns that keep you in constant motion—and beginning to loosen their grip, so your value isn’t measured by your output, but rooted in something more enduring.
Warning signs you might be outsourcing self-worth to productivity
You don’t have to be burning out or in crisis to be stuck in this trap. Often, it’s invisible—especially when things are technically going well.
Here are some subtle signs to look for:
You feel anxious or agitated when you're not actively “getting something done.”
You measure the success of your day by how much you accomplished, not how you felt.
You feel guilty or uncomfortable during downtime or rest.
You struggle to enjoy something if it’s not “productive” (e.g., reading must be educational, exercise must burn calories).
You only feel good about yourself when you’re exceeding expectations—at work, at home, or both.
This theme was echoed by another client I’ll call Elena, a physician and mom of three, who shared:
“I know rationally that I’m a good mom and a good doctor. But the only time I feel that way is when I’m accomplishing something measurable—publishing, presenting, finishing charts. The rest of the time, I feel like I’m failing or falling behind.”
Elena wasn’t asking to do less. She was asking to feel like enough even when she wasn’t at full tilt.
That distinction is important. Reclaiming your self-worth doesn’t mean abandoning your ambition. It means rebuilding the foundation underneath it so that your identity isn’t constantly riding the highs and lows of your output.
Why this runs so deep
This pattern—tying your self-worth to your productivity—isn’t a personal flaw. It’s the result of powerful cultural and systemic forces. We live in a society that prizes output, where worth is often measured in results, not relationships or internal states. Women, in particular, are socialized to be competent, accommodating, and constantly available—to anticipate needs, keep things running smoothly, and never let the ball drop. Add motherhood to the mix, where there’s always more to do and very little feedback or recognition, and it becomes easy to internalize the idea that your value lies in how much you can handle without breaking.
The pandemic only deepened these dynamics. With work, school, and home life collapsing into the same physical space, many working moms became the nerve center of their households—managing logistics, learning platforms, meals, meetings, and the emotional climate of everyone under their roof. The doing became constant. For many, it still is. And as people praised our resilience and ability to “keep it all together,” we absorbed the message that being useful—being relentlessly capable—was what made us worthy.
But outsourcing your self-worth to productivity is not sustainable. Even if it seems to work for a while, it slowly chips away at your well-being. Your sense of self begins to rise and fall with how much you accomplish. Burnout becomes a constant threat, as rest starts to feel like weakness or failure. Disconnection creeps in—you find it hard to be present with people you love unless every loose end is tied up. And when things inevitably go off-script, you don’t just feel disappointment—you feel shame, as if falling short means something is fundamentally wrong with you.
Perhaps most damaging of all, this way of living convinces you that things like rest, joy, and self-compassion must be earned—that they’re rewards for doing enough, instead of non-negotiable parts of being human. And when your worth is always up for reevaluation, peace is always out of reach.
Reclaiming your worth
This work is slow and layered. It’s not a simple mindset shift or a motivational quote. It’s a recalibration of how you relate to yourself.
Here are four starting points:
1. Notice the narratives
Start by paying attention to the thoughts that crop up when you're not being productive:
“I should be doing more.”
“I’m falling behind.”
“I don’t deserve to rest until I finish…”
Get curious about these thoughts. Whose voice do they sound like? A parent? A boss? A cultural script you’ve internalized? You don’t need to silence them right away—but naming them is the first step toward disarming them.
2. Redefine success
Make space for a more holistic version of success. One that includes things like:
Being present for bedtime snuggles without mentally running tomorrow’s schedule.
Holding a boundary at work even if it made you uncomfortable.
Letting something be “good enough” and moving on.
Try ending your day with a new kind of reflection: What felt aligned today? When did I feel like myself? Where did I honor my values, even in small ways?
3. Practice being, not just doing
Choose moments—tiny, low-stakes moments—where you allow yourself to simply be.
Sit with your coffee without scrolling or multitasking.
Take a walk without turning it into exercise.
Let yourself lie down without “earning” it.
At first, your nervous system might resist. That’s okay. Stillness can feel uncomfortable when you're used to being in motion. But over time, you’ll build the capacity to sit with yourself without judgment.
4. Anchor to identity, not output
Ask yourself: Who am I when I’m not performing, producing, or perfecting?
This can feel like a scary question—but it’s also a liberating one.
You are not just a manager of logistics or a master of multitasking. You are a person with humor, intuition, resilience, and creativity. A friend. A partner. A woman with a rich inner world. Begin to root your sense of worth in being human, not being heroic.
One of my clients, a lawyer and mom of two, came back after a few months of working on this and shared:
“I still work hard. But now, I can pause in the middle of the day to breathe. I can let the dishes wait without narrating myself as lazy. And weirdly, I feel more powerful—not less—because my worth isn’t riding on every little task.”
In closing
As high-achieving working moms we’re often admired for how much we can handle—but that admiration can come at a cost. Beneath the competence and reliability is often a quieter desire: to feel whole, even when nothing is getting done.
You don’t need to let go of your drive or your goals. But you do deserve a life where your worth isn’t constantly being measured. A life where rest is allowed, not earned. Where joy has room to show up without needing justification. Where being enough isn’t something you prove—it’s something you trust.
Read
Why every new parent should get a ‘transition month’ at work (Time)
Women in their 20s and 30s are working more than ever before (19th News)
The underrated joy of being a working mother (Vogue)
The right way to prepare for a high-stakes conversation (HBR gift link)
