When you feel trapped in your job
or, how to handle the special misery of "golden handcuffs"
Adrienne feels trapped in her tech job. Her values feel increasingly misaligned with the goals of her company—yet, no other industry can match the salary she’s currently making.
Samira is ready for a new challenge but there’s no upward mobility at her current university. She’d like to leave, but she’s been there long enough for her kids to qualify for the university’s tuition benefit. The benefit provides 50% tuition reimbursement at the college of their choosing. Within the next five years, all three of her kids will start college. She feels she would be foolish to walk away from that kind of money.
James is burnt out by the toxic culture at his startup. He desperately wants a new job, but is worried about leaving before his stock options vest… two years from now. He wonders how he’ll be able to stick it out.
Golden handcuffs
These may sound like “first world problems”, but each of these scenarios caused very real distress for a current or former client of mine. The term “golden handcuffs” refers to the financial or lifestyle incentives that make it difficult for employees to leave a job, even if they feel unfulfilled, stressed, or unsatisfied. These "handcuffs" often come in the form of high salaries, extensive benefits, bonuses, or significant stock options that make leaving feel financially risky or impractical.
While these perks provide stability and comfort, they can also trap employees in roles where they lack growth or purpose, creating a dilemma where the cost of leaving seems too high—even as the job takes a toll on their mental health, ambitions, or personal happiness. Over time, golden handcuffs can create a sense of dependency, making it increasingly challenging to imagine a life or career outside the comfort of financial security, no matter the personal cost.
What do you do about it?
How do you weigh the pros and cons to decide whether to stay or move on? Here’s a roadmap to help you gain clarity and make a decision with confidence:
Start by identifying the disconnect
To make a balanced decision, start with an honest assessment of your current situation. Consider the specific aspects that feel limiting or unsatisfying, such as:
Nature of the work: Are you disinterested in the actual tasks or projects? Are you craving more variety, challenge, or creativity?
Work culture: How supportive or positive is the culture? Are relationships with colleagues, leadership, or management frustrating or demotivating?
Growth opportunities: Do you see a clear path for advancement or development? Are you learning and evolving in ways that feel meaningful?
Alignment with values: Reflect on how well the company’s values align with your own, and whether this contributes to your sense of satisfaction or dissonance.
In my experience, the trickiest issue to resolve is a values misalignment. If you feel that your personal values are somehow compromised, it’s difficult to feel successful. Almost as tricky is a pervasively toxic work culture (a toxic team culture is easier to solve, by exploring the feasibility of an internal transfer).
Identify what’s keeping you there
Next, outline the benefits keeping you in your role. These might include financial security, flexibility, work-life balance, or comfort. Knowing which factors make your job appealing can help you weigh these benefits against the costs of feeling unfulfilled.
Clarify your personal and professional priorities
Sometimes, dissatisfaction in a job stems from evolving priorities. If you’re feeling conflicted, take some time to outline what matters most to you both personally and professionally. Some questions to ask yourself include:
What are my non-negotiables in a job or career?
Am I looking for more (or less) growth, challenge, or creativity in my work?
Do I prioritize flexibility and work-life balance over career advancement?
What do I want my career to look like in the next few years?
This reflection can reveal whether your current role aligns with these goals or if a change might be necessary to achieve them.
Consider the long-term costs of staying
Sometimes, staying in a job that doesn’t fulfill you can have unseen costs. Beyond daily dissatisfaction, these can include:
Stagnation: Without learning or growth opportunities, you may feel less motivated and engaged over time. This can limit your career development and impact your confidence.
Mental and emotional toll: Consistent feelings of frustration, boredom, or dissatisfaction can lead to burnout and impact your overall well-being.
Career drift: Staying in a role for too long, especially one misaligned with your goals, can make it harder to pivot into positions that are more satisfying or better aligned with your values.
Balancing these potential long-term effects with the benefits of staying is crucial. If the costs feel too high, this may signal that a change, even if gradual, could ultimately be more beneficial.
Weigh all of the factors
Don’t underestimate the utility of a good old-fashioned pro/con list! Seriously. Years ago, when my husband and I were deciding whether we should stay in St. Louis or move to Connecticut, we made made the world’s most detailed pro/con list, in which we listed out all of our priorities and then individually ranked them on a scale of 1-10.
🟩 So, you want to stay
Cool! Every job requires trade-offs. There’s no shame in thoughtfully reflecting on the complexities of your individual situation and then making an intentional decision to stay. With that said, it sounds like something has to change to make things more tolerable. Here are some possibilities to explore:
Request new projects or responsibilities: Talk to your manager about taking on projects that align with your interests or long-term career goals. Sometimes, a small shift in responsibilities can make a big difference (especially when it means taking something that’s especially draining off your plate).
Invest in skill development: Look for training, certifications, or mentorship opportunities that help you grow in your role. Developing new skills may make you feel more engaged and invested in your work (and help prepare you for your next role, whenever you decide you’re ready to take it).
Build connections across departments: Networking internally and collaborating with other teams can introduce fresh perspectives and new challenges, potentially bringing variety to your work. This is essential if you’re looking to make an internal transfer.
🟥 So, you’re pretty sure you want to leave
That’s great, too! Exploring other options without committing can help you better understand what’s out there, creating a sense of agency over your career path. Start by exploring other options in a low-stakes way:
Network outside your current role: I’m a big proponent of informational interviews. Connecting with people in industries, companies, or positions that appeal to you can help you learn more about potential paths without committing to any decisions. I also recommend asking each person you talk to to introduce you to at least one additional contact.
Start perusing what’s out there: Keep an eye on the job market and note roles that align with your interests and priorities. This can give you insight into what’s available and help you stay prepared if you decide to make a move.
Identify transferable skills: Review your current skills and experiences, identifying what would be valuable in other roles or industries. Knowing your strengths can give you confidence and direction if you decide to pursue new opportunities.
🟨 You’ve weighed it all out and you still can’t decide!
No problem! If you’re still on the fence, set a timeline to re-evaluate your decision. Give yourself a few months to implement changes, such as taking on new responsibilities or developing new skills. Then, revisit your initial assessment. Has anything improved? Do you feel more satisfied in your role? If not, you may feel more confident about starting the job search. The key here is being accountable to yourself for re-evaluating. You don’t want to experience another three years of misery and be burdened with regret for not acting sooner.
In the meantime, look at the strategies listed in the previous two sections and commit to at least one (though, preferably more) of them. Try to improve your current situation while starting to casually build your external network.
Final Thoughts
Remember the people in the intro? Adrienne decided to leave her company, Samira decided to stay, and James committed to making some interim changes and re-evaluating his situation in six months.
Deciding whether to stay in a job or move on is rarely easy, especially when you feel “trapped” by the perks. Weighing the pros and cons thoughtfully and taking time to reflect on your priorities can help clarify the best decision for you. Ultimately, making an intentional and informed decision (instead of just coasting through and staying out of default), will help you feel more empowered.
