I've always struggled with being more warm than competent ever since I was a kid.
Working in the mostly male dominated industry of software engineering, being warm or "soft" almost surely was seen as being weak. There was always this self demeaning voice in my head saying "Im the only one like this, so weak". I literally had a tough time trying to "man up" and eventually felt this field was not for me. Enter a female mentor who helped in a way so warm and competent and saw that and encouraged me to embrace it. I realized that both warmth & competence can and should co-exist to make work, work.
I got laid off from that job where I had the female mentor(investor led decision) but got into another mostly-male team with a much better role. During that interview, I remember I literally in my head, was trying to put aside the "man-ed up" version of me and to approach it and every conversation after with care and my competence. Landing the job was something I was least expecting while also a good assurance that warmth to the people and problems at work can take me ahead. I still struggle especially with everything going remote. But this interview definitely encourages me, to know that warmth is a tool so important if I want to make an impact and also in a world that says we need to be ruthless.
Note to self: "Im the only one like this" should ring in my head with more of a celebratory tone than a self-demeaning tone!
Thankyou Jessica & Zoe for those pearls of wisdom!
This was amazing, Jessica -- thank you to both you and Zoe.
I learned almost all of my warmth skills during childhood, watching my parents interact with their colleagues and clients, and then in the first few years of my career, working for and with a few really warm, powerful, effective female leaders. I feel super lucky, because for a long time I often let my shyness and discomfort override my warmth. (Almost anyone who knows me would laugh at my saying I'm shy, but I am -- until I know you, and then I never shut up. I've been accused many times of being aloof, and it's just because I don't know what to DO or SAY, not because I actually feel detached or uncaring. Having models for, literally, how to be, how to interact with and talk to people, how to be warm at work, was life-changing.)
Anyway, my point is that because I *am* warm and competent, I've found that the times I have been "angry and aggressive" and had to draw a very clear line (not always one and the same), people listen. Because it's out of the ordinary for me, so it's important.
Five years years ago, I was sexually harassed by a close associate of my organization, someone who'd held a position of power on our board, who I'd spent a year working with on a special project. It was the lowest moment of my working life and I spent the weekend agonizing over whether to tell anyone what had happened -- I didn't want to, for all the reasons women don't report sexual harassment in the workplace. Then I found out that minutes before his encounter with me, this person had done something even more egregious to one of my coworkers, a close friend (who happens to be an immigrant and never wants to cause any trouble), and I went nuclear. I met with my CEO on Monday morning and after years of deposits of "warmth and competence" in my organization's emotional bank, I made a huge withdrawal -- I held nothing back. He listened, he heard me, action was taken. Maybe the outcome would have been the same if I didn't have those "soft" skills, if I wasn't warm, but I suspect not. Warmth is a tremendous asset, and it makes a difference during the times you need to be the opposite.
I really struggle with this takeaway about warmth and likeability. In a way, it just confirms what we already suspect. But as you aptly address together, it makes it complicated for women. Because if likeability is more important than competence, and likeability of women often enforced gendered ideas of what we expect from women, then it becomes a trap.
If I think of how I’d “teach” this to my kids I think it would be less gendered to speak of competence and vulnerability.
I've always struggled with being more warm than competent ever since I was a kid.
Working in the mostly male dominated industry of software engineering, being warm or "soft" almost surely was seen as being weak. There was always this self demeaning voice in my head saying "Im the only one like this, so weak". I literally had a tough time trying to "man up" and eventually felt this field was not for me. Enter a female mentor who helped in a way so warm and competent and saw that and encouraged me to embrace it. I realized that both warmth & competence can and should co-exist to make work, work.
I got laid off from that job where I had the female mentor(investor led decision) but got into another mostly-male team with a much better role. During that interview, I remember I literally in my head, was trying to put aside the "man-ed up" version of me and to approach it and every conversation after with care and my competence. Landing the job was something I was least expecting while also a good assurance that warmth to the people and problems at work can take me ahead. I still struggle especially with everything going remote. But this interview definitely encourages me, to know that warmth is a tool so important if I want to make an impact and also in a world that says we need to be ruthless.
Note to self: "Im the only one like this" should ring in my head with more of a celebratory tone than a self-demeaning tone!
Thankyou Jessica & Zoe for those pearls of wisdom!
This was amazing, Jessica -- thank you to both you and Zoe.
I learned almost all of my warmth skills during childhood, watching my parents interact with their colleagues and clients, and then in the first few years of my career, working for and with a few really warm, powerful, effective female leaders. I feel super lucky, because for a long time I often let my shyness and discomfort override my warmth. (Almost anyone who knows me would laugh at my saying I'm shy, but I am -- until I know you, and then I never shut up. I've been accused many times of being aloof, and it's just because I don't know what to DO or SAY, not because I actually feel detached or uncaring. Having models for, literally, how to be, how to interact with and talk to people, how to be warm at work, was life-changing.)
Anyway, my point is that because I *am* warm and competent, I've found that the times I have been "angry and aggressive" and had to draw a very clear line (not always one and the same), people listen. Because it's out of the ordinary for me, so it's important.
Five years years ago, I was sexually harassed by a close associate of my organization, someone who'd held a position of power on our board, who I'd spent a year working with on a special project. It was the lowest moment of my working life and I spent the weekend agonizing over whether to tell anyone what had happened -- I didn't want to, for all the reasons women don't report sexual harassment in the workplace. Then I found out that minutes before his encounter with me, this person had done something even more egregious to one of my coworkers, a close friend (who happens to be an immigrant and never wants to cause any trouble), and I went nuclear. I met with my CEO on Monday morning and after years of deposits of "warmth and competence" in my organization's emotional bank, I made a huge withdrawal -- I held nothing back. He listened, he heard me, action was taken. Maybe the outcome would have been the same if I didn't have those "soft" skills, if I wasn't warm, but I suspect not. Warmth is a tremendous asset, and it makes a difference during the times you need to be the opposite.
I really struggle with this takeaway about warmth and likeability. In a way, it just confirms what we already suspect. But as you aptly address together, it makes it complicated for women. Because if likeability is more important than competence, and likeability of women often enforced gendered ideas of what we expect from women, then it becomes a trap.
If I think of how I’d “teach” this to my kids I think it would be less gendered to speak of competence and vulnerability.
Love your posts! Keep them coming ☺️