Raising highly sensitive kids

or, how to support kids who have big feelings and get overwhelmed easily

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A few weeks ago, our town hosted a Touch-A-Truck event. I ran into a friend who was there with her family. She thought her truck-loving toddler was going to love the event, but instead he had his hands over his ears and was sobbing. I understood. The flashing lights, the honking horns, the crowds of people. It was overwhelming.

As we were talking, she mentioned several behaviors that made me think her son might be a highly sensitive kid. I first heard of this concept a few years ago, when a preschool teacher suggested that one of my kids might be highly sensitive. After I learned more about it, I realized that I had been a highly sensitive kid too. Thinking about my kid’s experiences—and my own childhood experiences—from this frame was game-changing for me.

For the next two weeks, we’re going to be talking about highly sensitive people. This article will focus on highly sensitive kids and a next week’s article will focus on highly sensitive adults.

What does it mean to be highly sensitive?

The concept of the highly sensitive person was developed by clinical research psychologist Elaine Aron. Her book, The Highly Sensitive Child, is one of my most recommended parenting books. If you have a highly sensitive kid, then it’s a must-read, in my opinion.

Sensitivity is one of the nine traits that compose temperament. According to Aron,

“A highly sensitive child is one of the twenty percent of children born with a nervous system that is highly aware and quick to react to everything. This makes them quick to grasp subtle changes, prefer to reflect deeply before acting, and generally behave conscientiously. They are also easily overwhelmed by high levels of stimulation, sudden changes, and the emotional distress of others.”

Being highly sensitive does not imply judgment; nor does it mean that someone is emotionally irrational or overly delicate. Though highly sensitive people are more susceptible to sensory overload, they also have a deep sense of empathy and are unusually perceptive. Highly sensitive individuals are often very bright and have a strong sense of justice.

Characteristics of highly sensitive people

Below is an overview of the four defining characteristics of high sensitivity.

• Depth of Processing: Highly sensitive people experience emotions, sensations, and stimuli deeply, and tend to have very rich inner lives. Highly sensitive kids ask deep questions, use sophisticated words, have trouble making decisions (because they process each option fully), and are frequently “slow to warm” in new situations.

• Awareness of subtle stimuli: These kids seem to notice sensory details that are overlooked by most. For example, every tag is itchy, bright lights are bothersome, unpleasant smells seem overwhelming, and their hyperawareness of textures may make trying new foods difficult. Though they share some characteristics, high sensitivity is different than sensory processing disorder (SPD)—if you are concerned that your child might have SPD, I would encourage you to reach out to your pediatrician.

• Easily overstimulated: Because every sensory experience is heightened, it’s easy for highly sensitive kids to become overwhelmed. These kids also tend to have a difficult time with transitions, demonstrate strong reactions to punishment, become paralyzed in high-pressure situations (like tests, public performances, or high-pressure athletic games), and even “fun” days often end in a meltdown.

• Strong emotional response: As mentioned above, these kiddos feel everything deeply and react accordingly. They may cry easily, seem especially perceptive to others’ distress, appear to “read your mind”, and are often highly perfectionistic. They are also incredibly empathic and attuned to the emotions and needs of others. When I start to get a slightly irritated tone in my voice, my highly sensitive child is quick to ask, “Mom, are you stressed?”

If you’re unsure whether your kid is highly sensitive, click here for a free online test.

Parenting highly sensitive kids

According to Aron, below are some key strategies to raising happy, highly sensitive kids:

• Build self-esteem: Highly sensitive kids can be very hard on themselves, so cultivating their confidence and self-esteem is crucially important. The most important message you can give to your highly sensitive kid (and any child, for that matter) is that you love them unconditionally simply for existing—not because they achieve/comply/have similar interests to you/etc.

• Discipline thoughtfully and avoid shame: Disciplining highly sensitive kids is hard because they tend to react so strongly, yet they still need correction and limits. The best strategy is to set clear standards ahead of time, consider your child’s state of arousal—and if he is in the middle of meltdown—wait until he has calmed down, restate expectations for future behavior, and determine whether a timely consequence is necessary. Avoid harsh and judgmental phrases like, “What is wrong with you?”and “You always do this!”

• Discuss their sensitivity carefully: At some point, highly sensitive kids will notice that they experience things differently from other children. Discussing their sensitivity with them can help normalize their experience, as long as it’s approached in a way that’s developmentally-appropriate and non-blaming.

On top of those, I would offer the following practical suggestions:

• Structure is your friend. Clear boundaries, schedules, and routines all provide your highly sensitive kid with a sense of predictability and security.

• Downtime is a necessity—too many activities (even fun ones) can be overwhelming.

• Prepare and then prepare some more. Both big (starting a new school year) and small (leaving the park) transitions are difficult. The more preparation you provide your kid—through conversation, books, role plays, etc.—the more confident she will be going into the transition.

• Emotion coaching is a great tool for all young children, but it’s particularly great for highly sensitive kiddos, who are often overwhelmed by their big feelings.

Highly sensitive kids at school

As highly sensitive kids age, they learn to adapt to the world around them. Though many highly sensitive toddlers struggle with frequent meltdowns, most highly sensitive second graders do not (at least, not on a regular basis). On the contrary, older kids tend to internalize negative feelings instead of acting out. Though your highly sensitive kid has learned some coping skills by the time she enters elementary school, she still needs your guidance and advocacy:

• Recognize that schools are highly overstimulating environments. They’re loud, there are a lot of kids, classrooms are filled with colorful posters and art, and the days are long. It’s not uncommon for highly sensitive kids to hold it together during the school day just to break down when they come home (where they feel safe). Manage your expectations accordingly.

• As I said above, don’t underestimate the power of preparation. Help your child understand what to expect. If the school doesn’t offer annual orientations, reach out to the teacher and ask if you can bring your child by to see her classroom before the first day of school.

• Give your child a sense of control at the beginning of the year. Let him choose his own lunch, decide what to wear, and which school supplies to buy.

• Sticking to a regular bedtime is crucial. When we’re better rested, we can better control our emotions—that goes for everyone!

• Entering a group can be hard for a highly sensitive kid. Give her a script for introducing herself to new friends. If the school year is under way and your child still doesn’t seem to be making friends, enlist the teacher to help identify a potential pal.

• Turn down the pressure. We all want our kids to meet their potential, but highly sensitive kids tend to be natural perfectionists. Adopt a growth mindset and emphasize effort over results.

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