Re-imagining parental leave
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This picture was taken in August 2015, on the day that I returned to work after my first maternity leave. I look like I’m holding it together here, but the reality is that I burst into tears as soon as I got into my car and didn’t stop until I pulled into the parking garage at my office. As I sat there, willing my red puffy face to look normal again, I felt vulnerable, conflicted, guilty, and extremely sleep-deprived.
I knew with 100% certainty that I would return to my job—I had just been promoted before going out on leave and was excited to build a brand-new program from the ground up. I had great colleagues, a strong support system, and a spouse who was fully invested in the importance of my career. I had so many advantages, and yet it was still a messy adjustment.
Understanding the transition to parenthood
The transition from “worker” to “working parent” is monumental and largely under-appreciated. When new parents think about developmental milestones, they tend to think about changes their baby will make—crawling, walking, first words, etc. But the reality, of course, is that development happens across the lifespan. And one of the most profound developmental transitions, for those who choose this path, is becoming a parent. In fact, social scientists have coined the word “matrescense” to describe the transition to motherhood.
As I’ve written before:
“Matrescence, much like adolescence, is a transitionary period characterized by both psychological and biological changes that result in an a new understanding of one’s identity. Even under ideal circumstances, the transition to motherhood can be a challenging time filled with ambivalence and doubt as women work to integrate their new role as a ‘mom’ into their established self-concept.”
For parents who choose to return to the workplace, the transition to “working parent” adds another layer of complexity. There are not only logistical challenges to contend with (finding reliable and trustworthy childcare, figuring out where and how often to pump, etc.), but also questions of identity, priorities, and values.
When I became a parent, my relationship to my work changed. For example, I found that I had a greater sense of perspective. I didn’t get as worked up over small things that I couldn’t control, which made me a calmer and more focused employee. But I also cared less about putting in face time at the office. It was more important for me to spend time with my baby than it was to prove (to whom, really? My boss? My colleagues? Myself?) that I was an ideal worker.
Most working moms face this transition largely on their own. If they’re lucky, they have a group of friends entering motherhood at roughly the same time and they find support in each other. Occasionally, they find support from an older mentor who has walked the path before. Sometimes partners are helpful in navigating this transition; however, for moms in heterosexual relationships, they often find that their husbands experience their own transition to fatherhood differently.
But what if there was better organizational infrastructure to support parents during this major life change?
What could parental leave look like?
Universal and paid
Well, for starters, paid parental leave could be guaranteed at the federal level. The US is one of just six countries that doesn't offer paid leave1, and the exisiting Family and Medical Leave Act leaves approximately 44% of workers uncovered2. Studies have found that parental leave is associated with desirable health outcomes like reduced infant mortality 3 and lower the rates of maternal postpartum depression4. Paternity leave, specifically, is tied to beneficial family outcomes like higher levels of father engagement5 and marital satisfaction6.
On top of that, there are clear financial benefits to parental leave. First, access to parental leave is strongly associated with women’s retention in the workforce7. When Google increased their paid leave by six weeks, attrition rates among mothers dropped by 50%8. Moreover, organizations that offer robust family-friendly policies report significantly higher levels of employee engagement than those that don't9.
Holistically supportive
But paid level is truly just the minimum. Given what we know about the transition to parenthood, employees—and particularly mothers—need additional support. This support can take the form of specialized employee benefits like paying to ship breastmilk for lactating mothers who are traveling for work, childcare subsidies, and access to online learning portals with information on parenting and child development.
It could also include parental leave coaching, an emerging best practice, offered to both birthing and non-birthing parents, focused on supporting employees prior to, during, and after parental leave. Only 18% of new moms report feeling confident returning to work after their leave10. Parental leave coaching can be effective at increasing employee confidence and satisfaction, decreasing turnover, and thus ultimately increasing profitability.
The goals of parental leave coaching span both the logistical (for example, providing a structured system for employees to use when handing off work/projects to be done in their absence) to the psychological (understanding one’s new identity as a working parents). Parental leave coaching should also include planning for future career development and the involvement of the employee’s supervisor to ensure a smooth and supported transition.
Parental leave coaching can be structured differently based on the needs of the organization and the individuals participating. Some organizations choose to use a group coaching model, wherein 3-8 employees at roughly the same organizational level and stage of pregnancy form a small cohort. Others offer employees fully individualized 1:1 coaching engagements. Most commonly, organizations choose a hybrid of these approaches; thus capitalizing on the long-term value of having created a cohort of fellow working parents while still reaping the benefits of personalized individualized sessions.
In my experience, both employees and employers find this specialized type of coaching to be an invaluable resource during a high-stress time.
A special offer for readers
I was part of the first cohort certified in the RETAIN model of parental leave coaching by the Center for Parental Leave Leadership (CPLL), the organization that invented the field. CPLL has created an online assessment tool known as the Parental Leave Transition Assessment, which helps expecting parents identify their unique assets, liabilities, and pivot points in their transition to working parenthood.
Through the month of October, as a thank you to A Cup of Ambition readers, I am offering discounted PLTA packages that include:
Access to the online Parental Leave Transition Assessment
Customized report with personal feedback
A one-hour individual session with me to review your assessment
Leave planning template and guided next steps
This package typically costs $500, but through October 31, I’ll be offering it for 20% off. If you’re interested, just reply to this email and I’ll get you scheduled!
I want to cover what’s important to YOU. I welcome reader input in deciding what and who to write about. Email me at drjessicawilen [at] gmail [dot] com and put “newsletter idea” in the subject.
https://www.apa.org/monitor/2022/04/feature-parental-leave
https://www.nationalpartnership.org/our-work/resources/economic-justice/paid-leave/key-facts-the-family-and-medical-leave-act.pdf
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0190740920306514?via%3Dihub
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29729837/
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30197452/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6407703/
https://www.nationalpartnership.org/our-work/resources/economic-justice/other/pay-matters.pdf
ibid.
http://eprints.lse.ac.uk/20082/1/Family-Friendly_Working_What_a_Performance%21_An_Analysis_of_the_Relationship_Between_the_Availability_of_Family-Friendly_Policies_and_Establishment_Performance.pdf
https://www.peoplemanagement.co.uk/article/1744915/fewer-than-one-in-five-women-confident-return-maternity-leave
This totally triggered me, Jessica 😂 I went through this transition mostly alone. I was lucky enough to have babies at the same time as many of my friends -- but then all but one of them quit working. I was glad I had people to talk to about all the things you talk about when you have kids that are the same age, but working motherhood was a whole other level. I'll always be grateful to my organization for giving me the time, space, and grace to figure out how to do it -- not to mention pumping; I'm not even going to get into pumping -- and I am glad that I had one friend, but it was unspeakably hard. (I am still easily riled about this topic.)
I still have days where I have tears in my eyes after dropping my kids at school or daycare, and it's never my friends who stay at home with their kids who I text in those moments, you know? Some things are specific to to this particular kind of motherhood -- if you know, you know, and if you don't, there always a kind of gap between our understanding of one another's lives.