Read-Connect-Reflect #22

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Read

The new rules of executive presence (Harvard Business Review)

I’ve had several clients seek out coaching because they’ve been told they need to “develop their executive presence”. My first reply back to them is, “tell me, specifically, what that means to you and to the person who has given you that feedback”.

Executive presence typically refers to a combination of gravitas, communication skills, and having the “right” appearance, but as Sylvia Ann Hewlett explains in this article, how professionals are understanding these terms has shifted over the past decade (see chart below).

My suggestion? If you’re getting feedback about needing to develop your executive presence, ask which specific traits/skills that you need to work on. That way you can: 1. Assess whether the identified feedback resonates with your values and your goals, and 2. Ensure you’re working towards developing the “right” skills.

How millennials learned to dread motherhood (Vox)

This is a really thoughtful and in-depth article about the repercussions of modern motherhood narratives. I highly recommend reading it in its entirety, but I’m pulling out a couple of paragraphs that particularly resonated:

“How to explain why, in survey after survey, it is women with the most financial resources, and the highest levels of education, who report the most stress and unhappiness with motherhood? We hear often that the US is the least family-friendly country in the industrialized world, but American women who describe the most dissatisfaction are also those most likely to work in jobs that do offer maternity leave, paid sick days, and remote-work flexibility. They’re most likely to have decent health insurance and the least likely to be raising a child on their own. Understanding what’s driving these feelings might be key to changing it — for me and millions of others [. . .]

For at least the last decade, women my age have absorbed cultural messaging that motherhood is thankless and depleting, straining careers, health, and friendships, and destroying sex lives. Today, it’s genuinely difficult to find mainstream portrayals of moms who are not stressed to the brink, depressed, isolated, or increasingly resentful.”

Two things are true—open and honest conversations about the isolating parts of motherhood are helpful in making mothers feel less guilty and alone AND they likely also serve to deter non-mothers from parenthood. Conversations about modern motherhood (and fatherhood) certainly benefit from nuance—something that social media isn’t particularly good at.

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The uncertain loneliness of ambivalence on motherhood (Slate)

This is a poignant and personal essay that pairs nicely with the article above. Journalist Jill Filipovic talks about turning 40 and remaining deeply ambivalent about whether to become a mother:

“Maternally ambivalent women are told over and over again to look deep inside ourselves, to tune out social expectation and fear of regret and the voices of our anxious mothers, and ask ourselves what it is we really want, as if there is some core truth resting deep inside of us and if we only had a few hours of quiet time, we’d find it. Much more often, these core life decisions are made not from a place of deep internal wanting, but in response to external norms and expectations—which of late include plenty of warning from women already across the Rubicon about how dreadful it is on the other side of parenting.”

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Bringing up a baby can be a tough and lonely job. Here's a solution: alloparents (NPR)

Why does parenting feel so difficult so much of the time? The answer—of course—is multifactorial, but one clear reason that I think a lot about it is how isolating modern, Western parenthood is. As this article points out, “for the vast majority of human history, mothers had a huge amount of help caring for infants – and even a lot of support with toddlers as well.” Anthropologists refer to these involved helpers as “alloparents” (with “allo-” being the Greek prefix for “other”).

A recent study of the Mbendjele people, who live in the northern rainforests of the Republic of Congo, found that each child had an average of eight hands-on caregivers—other than mom and dad—who provided regular, hands-on care. The researchers point out that human parents have evolved to succeed in these communal caregiving environments—not the often isolating two-parent (or single parent) families. They hypothesize that this “mismatch” plays a role in the high rates of postpartum depression in the West.

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The sisters who survived Sandy Hook (Elle)

This article is difficult to read but really important. Paige and Meghan Tarpey—who were 7 and 8 at the time of the Sandy Hook shooting—share their experiences from that day, as well as the long-term repercussions of living in the aftermath of trauma for the past eleven years. Once the acute horror of a mass casualty event wears off (and the news cycle has moved on), it’s important to remember the people whose lives have been changed forever. (A friendly reminder that you can add your name to a petition telling Congress to pass a ban on assault weapons here).

Connect

We’re in the throes of winter break—the excitement of the holidays has worn off, everyone’s getting a little stir crazy, and (if your house is anything like mine), you’re probably hearing a never-ending chorus of “Mommmm, I’m bored”.

I figured this week was the perfect time to include a link to a previous interview I did with Bar Rucci, founder of The Creativity Project. She shared so many wonderful ideas for fun, process art projects to do with kids of all ages. Bust out the craft supplies and enjoy!

Reflect

I’m a huge believer in blocking time on the calendar for occasional intentional reflection. The start of the new year offers a natural opportunity to do this. In the next week or two, block an hour on your calendar and reflect on the following questions, either alone in a journal or over a cup of coffee with a friend:

• What have I learned in the past year? About myself? About loved ones? About my professional ambitions? About life in general?

• Given these learnings, what do I want to do more of this next year?

• What do I want to do less of?

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