Read-Connect-Reflect #27
Read
It’s weird times to be a happy mother (Slate)
With fertility rates plummeting and a constant barrage of social media influencers highlighting the shitty parts of motherhood, it often feels like parenting needs a really good publicist. Though there’s no doubt that motherhood is hard (especially—and unnecessarily so—in America), I fear that we don’t talk enough about all of the wonderful parts. Elissa Strauss puts it beautifully in this article:
As it happened, my relationship with my kids has been as philosophically, spiritually, or intellectually vital as anything else I’ve done, leading to the kind of realizations we’ve long wanted to seek elsewhere, away from the home, away from the family. Through them, I’ve cultivated a healthy relationship with uncertainty, with attention, with feeling closer to the source of life, whatever it is, with all its wonder and fragility—all moments of revelation that came by way of a mix of stress, rupture, wholeness, and ease. If I had let motherhood stay small, confined to the sidelines, then those stressful moments would have felt like forces holding me back on my way to an interesting and meaningful life. But by letting motherhood become big, those challenges—and yes, my kids annoy me sometimes, and yes, I appreciate working and other time I spend away from them—became part of a larger narrative arc.
The gender pay gap is a culture problem (NY Times Gift Link)
This is an interesting and important article about why the gender pay gap persists globally, despite policy efforts to change it. The driving factor? Cultural norms about working moms. Specifically, countries in which citizens believe it is preferable to have mothers stay at home and take care of the kids have wider and more persistent wage gaps. If we want to change the economic reality, we have to change the narrative about working motherhood.
How burnout became normal — and how to push back against it (HBR)
Is “burnout” the ultimate buzzword of the 2020s? According to this article, 67% of 18- to 34-year-olds say stress makes it difficult for them to focus, while 58% describe their daily stress as “completely overwhelming”. Yikes.
The antidote? According to author Kandi Weins, we need to:
“maximize our time within what’s known as the window of tolerance — or what I’ve come to refer to as the sweet spot of stress [. . .] When we’re within our window of tolerance, we are neither hyper-aroused (i.e., overstimulated, too stressed, or anxious) or hypo-aroused (i.e., understimulated, withdrawn, or shut down). In this “sweet spot” between too revved up and not challenged enough, we have access to our executive functioning skills, which enable us to plan and organize, regulate our emotions, and manage our time and priorities.”
What does that “sweet spot” look like for you?
2024 State of motherhood report (Motherly)
I always look forward to Motherly’s annual survey of mothers. However, this year I was concerned by some of the data on Gen Z mothers (ages 18-27). Although this may not be surprising given their young age and relative lack of professional experience, they report having less access to workplace support and greater financial concerns than Millennials moms. What really alarmed me was the following:
“At least 85% of moms support federally mandated paid leave, regulation to address climate change, federally funded reproductive rights and increased gun control policies, but surprisingly, moms under 30 are three times less likely to support these policies.”
Though the survey doesn’t dive into reasons why this lack of support exists, they hypothesize that it could be due to apathy and skepticism that change will come.
Sweden has a caffeinated secret to happiness at work (Wall Street Journal)
I swear this newsletter is not sponsored by the Nordic tourism board, but Sweden has nailed working parenthood 😆. This article take a deep dive into the Swedish tradition of fika, the daily workplace ritual in which employees “put away phones, laptops, and any shoptalk to commune over coffee, pastries or other snacks”. The purpose is not to guzzle down caffeine to fuel a hyper-productive afternoon, but rather “it’s meant to be a deliberate pause to provide space and time for people to connect”.
I’ve said before that if organizations want their employees to buy into returning to the office, they need to make it worth their time. And, at least in my opinion, the real benefit of in-person work is the potential it provides for relationship-building. Providing structured time and space for employees to genuinely connect (something that is much harder to replicate on Zoom), is a good place to start.
Connect
Two weeks ago, I wrote about being more intentional in the messages we send our kids about work, and I want to expand on that topic. Earlier this week, we were out to dinner and we started chatting with an older couple at the table near ours. They were asking my kids questions about school and activities they were involved in, and then came the infamous question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” My daughter confidently answered, “Taylor Swift!”, but my son hemmed and hawed before throwing out a couple potential options.
I saw this as an opportunity to highlight a message that’s very important to me—that work is fluid. After this other couple left, I told my kids that though adults often ask children what they want to be when they grow up, very few people are only one thing in the course of their career. I made a point to share with them that I have had several different roles throughout my career (therapist, researcher, professor, administrator), and that my breadth of experience has been a tremendous asset to me.
I used to feel badly as a kid because I never had a crystal-clear idea of what I wanted to be. This sense of pressure increased throughout my 20s when I often wondered if I had chosen the “wrong” career path. I want my kids to anticipate and be excited for the ways their interests will continue to evolve in adulthood and not feel pressured to commit to only one path. As parents, we have the opportunity to proactively topple this outdated notion of what a career looks like.
Reflect
I was recently contacted by a former client who had just received some difficult news: her job of ten years was being eliminated due to company restructuring. Understandably, when the initial shock wore off, she was left feeling overwhelmed and unsure of her future. As we scheduled an emergency coaching session, her mind ping-ponged with worries about her finances, her career, and her sense of identity. As she started spiraling, I asked her to take a breath and consider the following questions:
Is this permanent? Upon reflection, she was reminded that while losing her job was a significant setback, it didn't mean she would never find employment again. The job loss was a current challenge, but it didn't define her future permanently.
Is this pervasive? Though there’s no doubt that the job was was a serious blow, it didn’t mean her entire life was in shambles. She realized that she still had her health, supportive family and friends, and various skills and experiences. The job loss was a significant part of her life, but it wasn't everything.
Is this personal? Reflecting on this question, she acknowledged that the restructuring decision wasn't a reflection of her abilities or worth. It was a business decision made by the company, and while it affected her, it wasn't due to her personal failings.
By contemplating these questions, my client began to see her situation in a more balanced and hopeful light. As the author Daniel Pink says, “the more you see events as temporary, specific, and external, the more likely you are to persist, even in the face of adversity.”
Next time you’re facing some sort of challenge/crisis, I’d encourage you to reflect on those three questions above.
I love the idea of talking about how a career path can fluctuate. As my children are a bit older than yours we definitely have those conversations. They have also watched me have different jobs and asked if those are things I wanted when I grew up. We talk about how college is optional when considering their future as well. It is dependent on their goals.